Your face is a jimmy john
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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