She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
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You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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