I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Let's get the cat blown out
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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