You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
