Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
