Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
