Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
