If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
