so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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