whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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