im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
