I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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