He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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