I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
