When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
