the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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