im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
