You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
