so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
