so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
