I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
