My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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