every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
