I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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