party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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