My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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