The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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