Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
