I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
