I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The feeling are messing with the penis
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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