I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
