Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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