Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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