The maid of honor just puked.
i think my mom watched the whole time
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
