I want to walk on stilts...naked
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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