Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
