Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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