and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
