Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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