he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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