a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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