My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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