at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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