i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
