Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
