I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
