Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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