just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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