My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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