I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
