Ketchup is God's man juice
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
