Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
