Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
