If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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